


Couple Counseling

by B_does_the_write_thing



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/M, centuries of issues make for pretty interesting therapy sessions, marriage is hard, poor archie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-10
Updated: 2015-07-10
Packaged: 2018-04-08 16:26:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4312179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/B_does_the_write_thing/pseuds/B_does_the_write_thing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the Golds come to Archie for some couple counseling, he gets more than he bargained for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Couple Counseling

**Author's Note:**

> Anon Prompted.

Archibald Jiminy Hooper could actually feel his blood pressure spiking.

Swallowing back a sigh, he crossed his legs and offered what he hoped was a warm and welcoming smile to his current clients.

It was met with an icy frown and a raised eyebrow.

Wonderful.

“Ah, so Mr. and Mrs. Gold,” Archie started in his most official psychiatrist voice. “I’m very glad you both decided to start couple’s counseling- I know in our current… predicament, that you must be dealing with quite a few issues-“

“To which exact predicament are you referring?” Gold interrupted snidely. He shot an arch look in his direction. The pawn shop owner sat with his arms crossed in a closed off and defensive posture that screamed discomfort. “My son’s death or my killing my father?”

“Ah,” Archie started, blinking rapidly as he attempted to decide which to tackle first. “Loss is a very powerful motivator-“

“I hadn’t noticed,” Gold murmured. He started to inspect his nails in a clear dismissal.

“Rumple!” Belle exclaimed lowly, glancing at Archie in apology. “You promised you’d try…”

Archie then had the unique experience of watching the Dark One squirm. The older man turned his gaze to his wife, offering her a genuine smile of apology and a nod.

“My apologies, Dr. Hopper,” Gold amended. “I’m not one for sharing.”

Remembering to snap his mouth closed, Archie made a noise of approval in his throat, unsure he trusted himself to speak. “Ah, well, Belle, is there anything you would like to discuss?”

The petite brunette was nearly swallowed by the massive armchair she had settled into upon their arrival. While she lacked her husband’s commanding presence, she was impossible to miss despite her modest demeanor. And it wasn’t just her choice of wardrobe. After all, many of the ladies from the Enchanted Forest now preferred the freedom of shorts and skirts to the long gowns they were used to. It was warmth that she excluded even when sitting next to the most terrifying man in town.

“Well,” Belle lilted, reaching out to take her husband’s hand in hers. “I think maybe we should start small.”

“Wonderful idea,” Archie enthused. He wasn’t looking forward to delving into the head of the Dark One. Perhaps they could start with his commitment issues or his jealously-

“How about his resurrection?” Belle suggested brightly. “Or his time as Zelena’s captive?”

Archie felt his mouth go dry as he stared back at the diminutive librarian. Her bright blue eyes were looking at him hopefully, her grip tight on her husband’s hand.

Daring a look at Gold, Archie found him glaring daggers at him despite his thumb rubbing reassuringly on his wife’s hand. “Ah,” Archie coughed. “Well, yes, I suppose that’s as good a place as any to start.”

Why couldn’t he be a regular therapist? No, Mayor Mills had made him the shrink to a town full of people with double identity issues, post traumatic stress disorders from curses and the occasional coming back from the dead depression.

It was a wonder he hadn’t gone running for the town line months ago.

“Now, Mr. Gold, how are you sleeping?” Archie proposed tentatively.

“Fine,” growled Gold.

“He’s not,” Belle interrupted. She shot a disappointed look at her husband who looked pointedly away, although he kept his grip on her hand. “He works at the shop until midnight and then comes home and locks himself in his study. I barely see him.”

“Sweetheart,” Gold started but Archie seized his chance.

“Are you eating?”

Gold looked positively murderous as he glared at him. Belle answered again, “No. I bring him breakfast in bed in the morning and I pack him lunch every day but he doesn’t touch it. He’ll sometimes peck at dinner but he usually just moves it around his plate.”

“It’s not-“ Gold stated before stopping himself.

“No, go on,” Archie encouraged him. He made a few notes on his pad about how Belle seemed to be leading the session by keeping the conversation focused on her husband.

Gold’s face looked green as he cast about for an answer, before finally he sighed as he released Belle’s hand to run a hand through his hair. “I didn’t mean to worry you, sweetheart. It’s just…”

“Go on, Rumple,” Belle soothed, leaning towards him to put her hand on his shoulder. “You can be honest here, remember?”

“It’s… well, I am eating…,” Gold admitted. “Just not your food…”

“What? Wait- why?” Belle asked, settling back in her chair.

“You are such a brilliant woman, Belle,” Gold said in a rush, leaning over towards her. “You’re kind and gentle and brave to a fault but-“

“Are you telling me I can’t cook?” Belle exclaimed in astonishment, before clapping a hand to her mouth in embarrassment at her outburst.

“Spaghetti isn’t meant to be served with syrup…” Gold spread his hands in helplessness.

“But I saw it on TV,” Belle mumbled quietly, her hands cupping her face as a flush darkened her porcelain features.

Gold sighed as he rubbed his own face roughly, “Sweetheart, that was a movie- not a cooking show.”

Archie coughed, trying to get the meeting back on track. “Well, this is good- we’re making progress.”

“How is that good?” Belle snapped before blinking in surprise at herself. “Oh, Archie- I’m sorry-“

“Quite alright,” he assured her, careful to edge his feet closer to his chair. “But it shows us that your husband is eating and he’s also opening up and being honest with you.”

Gold nodded in approval at this statement but Belle twisted her lips stubbornly. “Fine, while he’s being honest…”

Both Archie and Gold tensed as Belle’s voice took on a deliberately casual tone.

“Why won’t he touch me anymore?”

Archie felt his freckles disappear under the pink spreading over his cheeks. No, no, no, anything but this.

“Let’s get to that in a moment,” the once grasshopper practically yelled, his voice panicky even to his ears. “Gold, let’s go back to the loss of your father-“

“Yes!“ Gold clutched eagerly at the offered lifeline. “My father abandoned me as child to pursue his own freedom in a desperate attempt to reclaim his youth-“

“Oh, no you don’t, Rumplestitlskin,” Belle crossed her legs, her foot jiggling wildly in her irritation. “I get you lost your father and your son at the same time and I’ve given you space and time to grieve- but we haven’t had sex since before you left for Neverland!”

Archie raised his clipboard to hide his face. Gold was gaping at his wife in horror, stammering incoherent words in the face of her ire. “Belle, sweetheart-“

“Don’t you sweetheart me!” She pouted, looking equally miserable as her husband. “You hug me goodbye, you kiss me on my forehead like I’m your favorite pupil and you run out of the room if I even try and seduce you.”

Archie was going to die of second-handed embarrassment. He wondered if he could somehow communicate with the Dark One to get help sinking into the floor and disappear. Gold seemed to be thinking along the same lines until Belle let out a strangled sob.

“Do I not… do it for you?” Belle whispered. Archie looked over at Gold in surprise. If the beautiful young woman didn’t do it for the Dark One, he was fairly certain no one would. Gold caught his stare and practically snarled at him. Archie looked hurriedly back away as he fought to keep what composure he had left.

“Why would you even think that?” Gold whispered in confusion. 

“Ruby said,” Belle choked out between tiny sobs. “Ruby said I needed to try harder- that maybe you were into kinky things-“

Gold turned purple and Archie had to cover his own gasp with a coughing fit. He was trying hard not to imagine Ruby in the leather corset she preferred and hoping like hell his suit hid the marks from his collar.

“Is that why you were wearing those leather driving gloves to bed last week?” Gold asked gently and Belle nodded miserably as Archie attempted to find something of interest to stare at on his blank paper.

“I remembered you used to like leather,” Belle pointed out. Gold’s eyes narrowed as he gazed at his wife, no doubt imaging her in a leather bustier. He caught Archie staring at her too and flashed him a warning look.

“So,” Archie tried to get control back of this disastrous first session. “Belle is feeling ignored. Perhaps you could work on spending more time together-“

“If you’re not attracted to me like that, just tell me. I read about asexuals and –“

“A what?” Gold gaped at her in astonishment. Belle turned to Archie in earnest.

“Asexuals,” she stated again. “Dr. Hooper could probably explain it-“

“Of course I’m sexually attracted to you!” Gold sputtered.

“Then, why won’t you touch me?” Belle demanded. “I can barely breath for want of you and I’ve had to take care of myself for weeks-“

That was it. Gold was going to turn him back into a cricket. The Dark One looked positively murderous as he glared daggers at the therapist as Archie stood up abruptly.

“Well, I think that’s all for today’s session-“

“We still have over thirty minutes,” Belle protested, looking up at him with tears in her eyes.

“Yes, well, I –“

“Thank you, Dr. Hooper,” Gold said without raising his eyes from his wife. “That’ll be all for today. We’ll lock the door on our way out.”

“Ah,” Archie coughed, standing slowly. “I have another appointment in an hour-“

“You might want to cancel it,” Gold said slowly. He was gazing at his wife, devouring her with every sweep of his eye. She looked confusedly over at him before a soft noise of understanding escaped her.

“I’ll just take Pongo on a walk then,” Archie started to back away, knocking into his desk as he tried to leave the room.

“Don’t hurry back,” Gold murmured as Archie fumbled for the door. Belle was licking her lips, the lip-gloss shining invitingly from across the room. Archie threw the door open and fell into the hallway.

“Great session,” he said in a high-pitched tenor. “See you next week.”

And he shut the door firmly behind him before hurrying down the stairs to his flat below.

Pongo rushed towards him in happy greeting, not used to his master coming downstairs before lunchtime. He was jumping about, making it impossible for Archie to secure his leash when a large crash came from above them.

The therapist colored again, hearing the unmistakable feminine moaning, which was quickly escalating in the thin walled older building. Pongo, intrigued, went towards the stairs but Archie managed to tackle him before he got too far.

“How about a walk, old man?” Archie said loudly, trying to drown out the noises from upstairs. His traitorous mind eagerly supplied mental pictures of Belle spread eagled on the floor, her husband kneeling between her legs.

And un-muffled moan of pleasure made Archie freeze in place, coat half on and scarf dangling from his neck. Pongo perked his ears up, recognizing Belle’s voice no. He began pulling Archie towards the stairs, and Archie had to yank on his leash to keep him in place.

As he hurried to finish buttoning his coat, he heard the rhythmic thumping noise that only meant one thing.

Another mental image of Gold, still perfectly buttoned up in his three-piece suit and tie, entering his wife with her skirt pushed up around her waist and her stockings rolling down her thighs, her sky-high heels wrapped around her husband’s back…

A masculine groan of pleasure joined the feminine ones as the tempo increased. Pongo, excited as his master, pulled to go see what all the fuss was about. Archie remembered himself long enough to throw the front door open and escape into the cold New England air.

He headed towards the Inn, already pulling his mobile form his pocket to call Ruby at the diner.

If the werewolf was surprised at her usual submissive partner taking her hard and rough against the wall that morning, she didn’t say so.

And while she didn’t quite understand why every Tuesday right before lunch she was summoned back to her rooms at the Inn for a brilliant, no holds barred fuck, she wasn’t going to complain.

Especially since when she returned to the diner, she would find the Golds come in shortly after, both glowing and happy despite the ongoing trials and tribulations of life in Storybrooke.

Besides, Gold was a fantastic tipper on Tuesdays.


End file.
